The Thoughtwriter

Hey! You! Wake up! It’s time for work! Get moving! Didn’t sleep enough last night? Well whose fault is that? You went to bed too late! Drank much more than the daily allotment of alcohol! You’ve only yourself to blame, Charlie! Now’s time for work! Good! Open those eyes and stand yourself up or else you know what! Daaaaaaaaaad! I’m huuuuuuuuuuuuuungry! Where’s breakfast? Did you know that for only $19.95 you can have a full continental breakfast waiting for you when you wake up every morning? Fluffy eggs, crisp salty bacon, hot buttered English muffins, French toast lathered in maple syrup, now that’s what I call a sweet deal! No more muss, no more fuss! Yummy! Thanks dad! Dig into your Hearty Breakfast™ before a Hearty Day™ at work—today! But wait! That’s not all! Throw in an extra $9.95 and you get a free Eating Machine™! Don’t you hate it when you have to haul yourself up out of bed and lift every heavy morsel of food up to your mouth all on your own? You’re a busy guy and you’ve got better things to do with your hands! Eating is hard, time-consuming, and annoying! So now, with Eating Machine™, you don’t have to! Just sit yourself right on in and our ergonomic Eating Machine™ does the rest, with patented hand-and-foot-to-mouth eating technology! You’ll never have tired arms or hands again! Order today! AND! Wait! Coming Soon: Food Chewer 5000™, for every mouth that’s worn out from too much food chewing! Hey! Hey you! Are you tired of the same old advertisements? Well, why not get some new ones? With Advariegator™, you can listen to brand new commercials from all over the world all day long! Only $19.95! Order today! Hey! Hey you! Did you hear me? It’s time to get up! Rise and shine! Up and at ‘em! As you prepare for another rewarding and fulfilling day of honest work today at CONSUMER ELECTRONICS LTD., please bear in mind the following errors you committed yesterday: THOUGHT OF SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH STRANGERS OR VIOLENT ACTS DIRECTED AGAINST COWORKERS APPROXIMATELY 371 TIMES, thank you! Let’s keep those aggressive tendencies down! Remember everyone, we’re not just men, but with Thoughtwriter™ and Thoughtreader™, we’re supermen! And that’s just super, isn’t it? Plus, if you keep it up, at this rate we’ll have to report you to the police! And we wouldn’t want that to happen, would we? Hahaha! Wow, what a beautiful day it is outside today! Looks like overcast and heavy smog for most of the day, with a chance of rainshowers in the afternoon! Remember, folks, don’t strain yourselves or breathe too much when you’re outside, and most important of all, always make sure to cover up when it rains! Hey! Are you tired of always being out of breath when you go outside? Hate the smell of pollution? Annoyed by acid rain burns? Well guess what? With EnviroSuit 10,000™, it’s not a problem anymore! With our patented rubber filtration technology, your skin and lungs stay fresh and clean all day long, even if you’re caught out on a red day! WARNING DOES NOT PROTECT AGAINST ULTRAVIOLET RADIATION. Hey! Are you hungry? Thirsty? Happy day! You’ve got approximately $312.50 in the bank, Charlie, which means you can eat as much as you want! Settle on in at the kitchen, turn on the TV, relax—it’s going to be a great day! Hey!

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