I write this post to celebrate three straight weeks of being paid to sit at a desk and do whatever I please: yes, it’s true, I have broken all records and won the 2011 Native English Teacher In South Korea Olympics, and I feel an urge to enumerate the countless things I, a curious adult with an endless supply of innocent free time, have accomplished, during this luminous period.
(+) Learned the Kitikuu dialect of Swahili (spoken on the Lamu Archipelago, off the coast of Kenya) to such fluency and proficiency that I have also composed a new epic poem on Ali ibn Abi Tabib in the same language, which has been widely praised by the urbane people of those great islands;
(+) Drafted and trained an army of idle English teachers;
(+) Attacked, conquered, occupied, and pacified, the rebellious city of Gwangju, with minimal casualties on both sides, utilizing this army;
(+) Earned the undying enmity of a certain species of muskrat (casualties in this case were obviously more severe);
(+) Isolated a vaccine for the Hanta Virus, with trials to begin shortly;
(+) Composed an acclaimed symphony for the Balinese Gamelan;
(+) Drafted plans for a more efficient sewage system here in Busan, which I hope to submit to City Hall shortly;
(+) Completed my metahypertextual novel about the colonization of another planet;
(+) Single-handedly won a game of American football;
(+) Synthesized several new strains of kimchi, and patented them all as “Schwartzchi”;
(+) Directed, produced, wrote, starred in, and edited, a blockbuster film called All The Things One Can Readily Accomplish While Not Really Teaching English In South Korea;
(+) Written one History of Western Philosophy, one History of Eastern Philosophy, and numerous magazine articles on the worthlessness of philosophy in the modern world, especially when one takes into account the triumph of science and mathematics;
(+) Brought down the Koch Brothers and re-established liberty, justice, and peace, in the United States of America and the world at large;
(+) Indulged in outrageous sexual proclivities;
(+) Learned to bake some pretty decent bread;
(+) Designed an internal combustion engine that runs on human fecal matter, which is effectively a free energy device, since we will never run out of bullshit;
(+) Started a pineapple plantation (with greenhouses-in-miniature for this unforgiving climate);
All in all, I think it’s been a productive three weeks. Just imagine what humanity could accomplish if everyone were teaching English in South Korea!
Henceforth all related terms must be written with quotation marks, i.e., right now I am “working” at my “job” as an “English Teacher” in South Korea, since it is obvious that I am actually doing none of those things.