Although I am constantly finding new reasons to ditch facebook forever, and probably will in the coming months, I did discover an interesting article this morning about how not to get laid, but as I went over twenty years without achieving this goal of all sexual life forms I found the author to be a little unimaginative. Based upon my own extraordinarily extensive experience in this department, I would like to present my own 10 Simple Ways To Avoid Getting Laid:
1) Show up to every first date wearing a davy crockett hat, refuse to take it off, and then throw it in your date’s face if he/she persists in his/her demands, making sure to snatch the hat back and storm out, shrieking profanities at the top of your lungs.
(to get over this annoying his/her thing, all third person pronouns will now be given in the sterile gender neutral its)
2) If your date is a vegetarian or a vegan, tell it that you only eat human beings due to overpopulation concerns, and then start gnawing on its arm.
3) To pick up a date successfully, try dousing yourself in testosterone. If that doesn’t work, use the secret code word: lemons.
4) Offer to take your date to the zoo, and then, whenever you come near a dangerous animal, playfully push your date into the cage.
5) Drive everywhere only in reverse.
6) Make sure to tell everyone you meet that you just got circumcised (regardless of your gender (someone really said this to me once)).
7) Purchase a metal chastity belt with a heavy lock, wear it on top of your clothes, make a show of swallowing the key whenever anyone is looking at you (raising your eyebrows suggestively while glancing down at this belt), and then start whining very loudly the moment you have to use the bathroom.
8) Repeat what people say backwards to them when they speak to you or to each other. Follow them around if they try to avoid you. This takes practice, but it can be done!
9) Get Mitt Romney’s face tattooed to your forehead, and declare yourself to be the most hardcore supporter of Mitt EVER!
10) Join a monastery.
By taking any one of these steps, you are sure to remain miserably single to the end of your days!