Like many liberals, I’m disappointed with Barack Obama, the kill-list, the continuing weakness of the economy, the corruption of the government, and plenty of other things that are not exactly as I want them to be. I recognize that if you don’t live in Ohio or Florida, you should probably vote for a third-party candidate who more properly reflects your views, whether you lean toward the right or the left, as I guess most people are disappointed with the two very similar choices being offered for the 2012 Presidential Election.
However, I want Obama to win, and I’ve thought up a way for him to do so. Both parties have raised record amounts of money, and appear to spend most of it on simplistic, misleading television commercials directed toward the few thousand bumbling baby boomers who can’t be bothered to decide between large or extra large, let alone presidential contenders. There’s really only so many ads you can run, however, before these people get distracted by flashy objects, and it’s possible that even if Romney does have a lot more money to throw around than Obama, he may not be able to spend it in an effective way: sending a giant geosynchronous Romney-shaped satellite billboard into orbit over the swing states may be more effective than buying out every ad slot on every television channel for months, but it probably won’t change anyone’s minds.
Obama has been consistently ahead in the polls, but the time has come to crush the opposition for good, and the best way to do that, I realized, is with satire.
Evil is rarely funny. Try thinking of one bad guy, one dictator, who cracked even a single good joke in his lifetime. Reagan’s quip about his opponent’s age was pretty good, and Kim Jong-il may have been the North Korean equivalent of Andy Kaufman, playing the same ridiculous joke on everyone for decades, but really, when I think of funny people, those people tend to lean either toward the left or toward libertarianism. Most American comedians are liberals, with the exception of Larry The Cable Guy (who named his daughter Reagan (evidently he hasn’t seen The Exorcist)).
So here’s my proposal. Obama’s a moderate leftist (or perhaps a moderate conservative), so he’s probably got a sense of humor. Let’s start changing these ads he’s running. He’s got to make every dollar he has count against the combined strength of the casino-engorged coffers of Sheldon Adelson and the notoriously infinite pockets of the Koch brothers. The commercial where Romney sings his heart out is fairly ridiculous, but it’s time to go even deeper over the deep end. I’ve scribbled out a few proposals here for all to see:
I’m Mitt Romney, and I approve this message today, although I won’t approve it tomorrow. You know, Barack Obama said that America’s job creators owe everything to the government. Well, I’m here in the middle of the Kalahari Desert with nothing but the clothes on my back to prove him wrong, because I’ve worked in the private sector so long I can build a successful enterprise with nothing but a handful of sand, a few twigs, and a hefty dose of good old-fashioned American ingenuity. Come back here in a week and you’ll see me turn this town around!
Title Flashes: SURVIVORBUSINESSMAN!
Cut to another title: ONE WEEK LATER.
A corpse in the desert getting picked at by vultures. Play the eagle sound effect that is actually a red-tailed hawk.
Then Obama talks to the camera: Come on, assholes. You didn’t build that shit on your own. Try selling lemonade when there aren’t any goddamn roads. Give me a fucking break. I’m motherfucking Barack Obama and I approve this motherfucking message—now and forever.
*an old fat man in a suit is walking through a strip club in Macao*
I’m Sheldon Adelson, and I approve this message. You know America, like everyone on Earth, especially his dog, I’m not really crazy about Mitt Romney, but I’ve given him more casino money than you can shake a circumcised dick at, and he’ll have no choice but to ram that dick down all of your throats after we either buy or steal the election this coming November 6th, and continue the hard unfinished work that George W. Bush started when he stole the election twelve years before. Make sure to kiss social security and medicare and medicaid and Obamacare and food stamps and minimum wage and child labor laws and environmental regulations and police and fire departments and schools and running water and electricity completely goodbye as we eliminate the income tax on all households making more than $250,000 and pay for an endless war with Iran by taxing the living shit out of the homeless and everyone else—meaning, you.
*Adelson pauses, and gestures at his surroundings*
What did you expect? I’m Sheldon fucking Adelson! I own a goddamn casino in Macao!
These are a little much, but injecting a bit of humor into the debate might be the way to go.