Self-Interview

Q: So you are aware that your next ebook, Kingdoms In The Sun, due to be released in a few days, will be completely ignored by every single person currently drawing breath?

A: That’s right. I’ll be doing naked cartwheels in the street if more than five people pay for it.

Q: Are you serious?

A: Yes. I’ll make my wife take pictures and then I’ll post them here with my wang and my ass blurred out. I might have to do the posting from jail…on my phone. I should mention that I live above a street that is rather crowded all day long.

Q: But why do you persist in publishing ebooks when everyone knows you obviously have no talent or aptitude of any kind?

A: I don’t know, it beats jerking off to myself in the mirror.

Q: And you couldn’t even find someone to interview you, so you had to resort to interviewing yourself.

A: That’s right. It’s not really surprising. If I were a journalist, I would have no interest in interviewing me. And if I were a reader, I’d have no interest in reading about me. So I’m interviewing myself. I’m interested in asking the kinds of difficult questions that most people are too polite to throw my way, even though everyone’s thinking them (if they think anything about me at all).

Q: Since publishing your first ebook, what have you achieved?

A: Absolutely nothing. My whole life people were all like, follow your dreams, dude! Do what you love! Stay away from those soulless office jobs! But god damn, I see now why so many people take those office jobs. It’s tough, you know, when you spend a couple of years working on something, and you put it out there, and then nobody cares. It’s a lot easier to spend your life photocopying shit.

Q: But any dumbass can publish an ebook. Everyone knows that.

A: That’s not exactly true. It takes more effort than publishing a blog. If you really think that any asshole can publish an ebook, I suggest you go and try to publish one yourself, and see how long it takes. Posting a blog can take less than a minute; posting an ebook will take at least several hours of concentrated effort.

Q: That’s really impressive.

A: Most people don’t have the perseverance required to follow through with several hours of hard labor on an artistic project, so, yeah, it is, actually. And as for getting people to read your ebook, that’s currently beyond my skills.

Q: So are you going to keep annoying people with your ebooks after this next project inevitably falls flat on its face?

A: I don’t have a choice. I have one more book ready to go. It’s about transexual lesbians in medieval Korea. It’s not pornographic, but I suspect it will be a little more successful than the last two books, which recount a few years of my adventures in Asia. But my son is awake now, so I have to go, or else I’m a bad father.

Q: Thanks for the interview.

A: Don’t mention it!

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6 thoughts on “Self-Interview

  1. Jen says:

    I took some classes with the publishing program at PSU (which is a pretty respected program) and learned a bit about what it takes to self-publish successfully. I also have an ex-boyfriend who self-published fairly successfully (though even he didn’t make back his investment yet, so far as I know, though he did do a paper book). The thing is a few hours is nothing. To successfully self-publish you generally have to spend a lot of time marketing the book beyond the internet. That might mean holding a book launch, it means reading at spoken word events (so Grazie is a first step in that direction, though Wordz Only in Busan would give you a bigger audience). It means sending copies to reviewers or bookstores or friends for free. This is also a way in which physical copies are advantageous, in that you can take them with you and sell them as you go. But for an e-copy it means making connections with other bloggers and on-line retailers. And usually it still means not making back your investment, but you can get the book in more hands by following some of these steps. I don’t remember asking if you had an outside editor take a look at your work and work with you on it. I also really recommend taking that step. An editor can find things you won’t notice (not copy-editing stuff, but places where content can be tightened, for example). I think every single writer on earth benefits from editing from a competent editor who respects their vision. Anyway, maybe you don’t want any advice, but I think before feeling badly about things, make sure you’re taking all the steps needed to make the book successful. A lot of times I think the main misstep self-publishers make is releasing their book too quickly, before they’ve pre-marketed it or edited it fully. Remember too, that before the internet publishing or self-publishing took even longer and required much more of a time and money investment. So we have it easy these days, and with the proper marketing you might yet reap success, since it won’t be taken off the shelf and pulped.

    • hiddenconnections says:

      Short of doing a public reading, I’ve done everything else except pay for advertising, which I think may be the next inevitable step.

      • Jonathan Hawkings says:

        You could perhaps try writing even more self-reviews on Amazon.

      • hiddenconnections says:

        Jonathan Hawkings,

        All of those reviews were written by my friends, who read the book at my request. The next book I release will probably have only one or two reviews, since I’ve gotten tired of asking people to help me out with this. I hope my reply satisfies your innocent curiosity.

        Any further trolling on your part will result in your comments being deleted. Post something more constructive, post a link to your own amazing work, or don’t post anything at all.

  2. hannamja says:

    It will be up on Amazon soon? I purchased your first book recently and have been reading it on my phone as I ride around the Seoul Subway system. I can’t get enough of it, so I’m excited to know I can read more of your writing soon. Keep writing. You have a style I really enjoy, and I can relate to a lot of your anecdotes since I have worked in Korea as an English teacher as well. I await your second book.

  3. hiddenconnections says:

    Hannamja! The second book is done! I’m working on an ebook trailer with one of my friends right now so it’s going to be a week or two before the book is released, but if you’d like to read it I can send it your way for free after you finish the first one…in exchange for a small favor. I don’t have anyone to help me with writing reviews of the second book on amazon.com, so if you were up for that it would be highly, highly, highly, appreciated (meaning that if you have any endeavors of your own that I could help with, all you would have to do is ask). Send me an email if you’re interested: sublunari at gmail.

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